my head feels so jumbled up sometimes.
in what ways can i unscramble it?!

i have to concentrate on the good.
i'm just locked inside house.
self imprisonment. i have nothing to do. i try to normalize my situations.
i'm just so dramatic.

there are things to look forward to here and there but they seem to take too long to arrive.
i'm just floating in between. wasting my time.

so i'm trying to shake my dependence of other people. it's going alright.
i tried contacting austin but he didn't reciprocate. i handled it much better than i anticipated. minimal anxiety and no feelings of guilt or self loathing afterward.

that's unrelated though. i will be happy on my own and i fully have the ability to do so!

so i graduate in a little over a week.
and then spain.

and so many good things are happening but i still drive by his street every day.
and i still internally panic over the prospect of seeing him out walking or driving his car.
i am so tormented by a street.

and i am still so lonely
and he has someone new and that's okay i guess.
i am just plagued by my own thoughts and sad images of what their relationship must be like.
and how i'm still so alone.

and i try to talk about it.
and i try to think about it.
no, don't think about it.
am i thinking about it too much?

i just don't need these constant reminders.
i want to find someone new. and i know i will. everything is so old and familiar here in town.

thank god i deleted his number.
that way i can't call. and maybe he did the same so he won't call.
i wonder if every time he appears in my dreams, he has one that same night where i give him the same amount of grief as my dreams did to me.
and i wonder if those paintings i gave are still hanging.
and those flowers i gave are still rotting.

and i wonder if certain smells remind him of me in the same way they conjure up images of his face to me.
i wonder if bees still remind him of me.
i wonder if it's weird to see pictures of me. that's how it is for me.

i want it to be the same for him.
maybe then i wouldn't feel so alone.

i'm finally becoming comfortable by myself.
i like myself a lot and i enjoy spending time alone.

no one gives a shit what you think. everyone just wants to talk about themselves and their ideas and their experiences. does anyone actually fucking listen. it's all about OH HEY THAT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME WHEN I...
we're just talking into empty vessels that are waiting for their turn to talk back to us. we can all be so fucking empty.

so much corruption when you're around corrupted people. so much conspiracy. it drives me crazy and nothing is safe according to the "knowledgeable."